I remember everything
by Chantiva
Summary: Post Berlin 10x21 - Tony recalls the car accident as it happened. Utter agony.
1. Chapter 1

The headlights were infecting the darkness of the car, the roar of the engine became deafening as it moved toward the vehicle in slow motion. My body subconsciously prepared itself as if it knew what was happening before my brain could transfer actions into thoughts. My muscles stiffened, and there was utter silence before the car crashed into her side. We were still looking at each other and then impact hit, I threw myself over her and screamed her name subconsciously, the car was spinning out of control, throwing our bodies around as if they were rag dolls. I remember waiting for my life to flash before my eyes, like it does in the movies, but nothing happened. All I remember were these blinding lights and deafening silence. I remember the look on her face; she looked calm. We were holding hands, did you know that? But when I threw myself over her our hands were torn away from each other, I think when the car stopped spinning I tried to find her hand, but I couldn't. I don't really remember anything immediately after that, I must have blacked out..

It was then really quiet, I opened my eyes but there was nothing, the kind of nothing that made me claustrophobic.

I managed to say her name, but I don't remember her saying anything back.

I focused my eyes on crimson red, before my eyes searched for Ziva

Everything was foggy and sticky.. I remember this because all I could smell was metal

There was a constant ringing in my ears, as if they were bleeding, it felt like someone was screaming, but I couldn't hear a thing though.

I couldn't move, but my body was shaking uncontrollably.

My face was damp – I'm not sure if it was blood or tears

I remember turning my head; I must have been lying down because my cheek was pressed up against something.

I could see the road - there was glass everywhere. But I couldn't see the other car, or Ziva..

I began calling her name repeatedly with my short stunted breath.

I turned my head again and laid it flat, I still couldn't see Ziva, I guess I started to panic.

It felt like I was lying down – did I mention that already?

I think I went into shock.. I was breathing so fast into my throat, and I was freezing

My hands searched for the seatbelt so I could find Ziva. I just could not find the seatbelt, or her.

It was eerily quiet even though I could hear sirens, I think they were sirens

All I clearly remember was saying her name over and over again.

I couldn't stop shaking. Then everything just stopped.


	2. Chapter 2

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**Here is part 2 - They are only short chapters. Any feedback you have would be great xo**

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I remember waking up again; I don't think I had moved from my position, I could still feel the sensation that something was pressing up against my face.

I could no longer hear sirens, I started to question if I had heard them at all.

I began to wonder how long I'd been lying there and where she was.

I tried my hardest to move again, and then the sound of someone screaming started again. I tried to source the sound but nothing.

It was strange because it was silent, and yet I could hear everything..

Every stunted breath, every moan, and every creak

I forgot about that creak until now,

I heard it

I can't remember what it was, but it was creaking

I was stuck; I tried to move my head again – to find her

My mouth was so dry, but I used every ounce of energy I had to call her name.

Nothing.

Did I mention that we were holding hands?

She was upset, did you know that? She was sad because she wanted to be different

I think that's why I was holding her hand

She was smiling when it happened though. She had said my name and I was holding her hand.. I think I said "yeah" and then I screamed her name

But she was still smiling; I don't think we were holding hands anymore.

But she was right next to me.

The next thing I remember hearing were foot steps

I could see these big boots

And hear these voices

I remember I was confused as to why I could only see these big black boots

I couldn't see anything else

This was the moment I realised that I was lying down

And the thing pressing against my face was the bitumen of the road

The car had flipped, I guess

At least that's what I thought.

I heard these voices telling me to stop screaming

I had apparently been screaming her name

I felt someone's hand on my face, I remember thinking it was her, I still don't know if it was.

I was so cold; I think I blacked out again.


	3. Chapter 3

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I think it was after my second blackout that I awoke to red flashing lights and the sound of some sort of digital communication. I strained my ears to try and hear what they were saying, actually that's not entirely the truth, I merely wanted to hear if there was any mention of Ziva, but all I could hear were the vibrations of deep hollow voices, none of which sparked any familiarity or any of my interest.

It felt like hours later, but it was probably minutes, but I remember this man bent down to me, he had an authoritative voice bellowing through me with nostalgia, he spoke his words so carefully:  
_'We got you, stay still, you're okay'  
_He put his hand on my arm reassuring me, it was a nice touch. I should remember that.

This man, he struck something inside of me, almost like I was kid again looking up to my father and trying to string together a sentence to make sense of a situation: _'where is my mother?'_ I wanted to say, but I just cried and I think my father was a little relieved that he didn't have to answer any questions

I think all I managed to say to this man was Ziva's name, which I guess is better than sobbing onto the bitumen wondering how it all went so wrong. Despite my best efforts I don't think he heard me because he stood up and walked away..

I still had no idea where I was or what was happening. I was caught between tragedy and her.. And I just don't think connecting the two were even options. I'd been there before and I ended up in the middle of a desert, carelessly offering my life to the highest bidder.

Anyway, I heard this sound like a machine, it sounded close, I heard the 'safe' words they use, the ones they teach you day 2 of training, yanno:

_'We're getting you out of here.. You're safe.. It's going to be okay.'_

Which I always thought meant nothing when we said them to people, but I did believe them when they said it, it was comforting I guess.. I tried to look around and see what was happening. But all I could do was listen, there were these terrifying sounds of metal being crushed, ripped and destroyed, like someone was killing the terminator or like I was in that movie "Wall-e"

I wasn't meant to, but I listened to some of the recordings from the scene. There was this moment where I'm screaming in agony and they're trying to obtain information from me.. Just the usual stuff: "Do you know your name?" and all I was doing was screaming at these men, these medics who were trying to help me and I couldn't even answer them. I just screamed at them "WHERE IS SHE!?" over and over again, every question they asked I screamed at them, every word they said I screamed at them.. I think the worst thing I screamed was "LET ME FUCKING DIE!" I was crying in between each word… Of all the things I remember, I don't remember that, any of that. I don't cry, and yet there were moments where the scene is quiet and all you can hear is a grown man gasping for air amid tears. Yeah, that was tough to hear.


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you so much for your amazing reviews! They honestly put a big smile on my face - so please keep them coming :)**

**Also, some of the things that Tony recalls is somehow indicative of what's happened to Ziva. It seems like he has no idea, but I'm dropping small clues here and there :)**

**Also, the sounds/sensations he is having isn't necessarily in a literal sense. There's a bit yet to be revealed **

**Thank you all again so, so much!**

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I remember that when the sounds of the machine had stopped I became really uneasy, I think the stillness made me paranoid to such a degree that I started to miss the sound of grating steel. I had looked around to try and see where if I could see anyone, I wasn't just scared now, I felt really alone. In retrospect I was probably in too much of a state that they thought it was better to leave me until they had a cause of action. Apparently safety words didn't sit well with me, which was strange because I thought I'd felt that they were comforting.

Though, the reports weren't indicative of rain, I swear it must have been raining, I was so wet, my clothes felt damp and heavy, and everything around me was dripping. I'm not sure why they didn't mention that, I'm almost certain it was.

Anyway, I tried to call to Ziva again, the silence made me crazy- I figured even if I sounded out of my mind, it beat the hell out of not trying.

I'm not sure how long I laid there, or how many times I called her name – but I grew tired, like exhausted to the point where breathing felt difficult – I can't really remember that part.. I think it must have reached a point where I was moaning or trying to move or something…

You know what still gets me? Is that we were holding hands and smiling, and the night before that she was lying next to me.. I don't think I've mentioned that yet? But she laid down next to me, I asked her what she was thinking. I know it doesn't sound like much, I don't know.. It was more than that. I guess it's hard to explain. But what gets to me the most is that even after Somalia, kidnappings, deaths, bombings- I still managed to not to sway from my usual ambiguous words to her.. Do you have any idea how ridiculous that sounds? People tend to have these epiphanies after one near death experience, and there I was still living my life exactly the same way. It's kinda pathetic huh? I felt like a coward.. I still _feel _like a coward. I guess I didn't want to admit it to myself for a while, she's an attractive woman – and I just assumed that was it for a while, I am a DiNozzo after all and often we are swayed by beauty. Have I told you about the first time I actually realised I was in love with her?

I'm sorry; I'm getting off track again. It's hard to remember specific details after that point when I was calling her name, I remember I felt warm and tired and that was it. There were moments of faces appearing over me; I think they were cutting my shirt off at one point, um, someone apologised I think it was a female, a lot of stuff didn't make sense, what they were saying didn't add up. I remember feeling strange and really light at one point, it was around the same time someone was holding me down, things are a bit dark from there.. They must have pulled me onto a stretcher because they strapped my head in to a sort of block, I looked up and saw a black sky I was moving along, I guess it had stopped raining, I still couldn't see Ziva.


	5. Chapter 5

**This was actually quite emotional for me to write - so I really hope you enjoy!**

**Thank you all again for reading my work, it's really amazing, I love any feedback - reviews please :) **

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I remember being in the back of the ambulance

I tried to speak

The medic smiled at me

I remember wondering why they weren't telling me about Ziva, even though they had, several times

But I had temporary memory loss

So I would forget

And start to panic, again

I felt so sad and empty

There was a thick fog coming over me and it was hard to breathe

But that was because I kept ripping off my breathing mask

I think the medic was holding my hand, trying to stop me from moving

And, I had this hole in my stomach that I'll never forget, oh, it ached – it was unbearable

I wanted to go back, I needed to see her face

There was this part on the recording of someone screaming.

The only way that I can explain it, is one of absolute panic, anger, um, I suppose desperation.

Different to the previous cries

You can really hear the pain, which was the worst part

Despite my injuries, I managed to rip off my breathing mask, again

I thought I had said her name again

But those screams I mentioned before, it was just me:

Gasping and sobbing and screaming

I can't actually make out any words

But at the time I swear I was saying her name clearly

You can hear the medic securing my breathing mask, again

Man, he was patient

And he repeated for probably the 9th time where Ziva was, which was in the other bus

But I would forget that

And I would forget that she was thrown on top of me in the crash

And I would forget that her blood had soaked my shirt

And I would forget that my blood had soaked us both

I would just lie there for moments and then it would start again, the panic…

I guess they got tired and eventually just made me a sign, did you know that?

Anyway, I kept it – it told me where she was, and where I was, and why

I guess we arrived at the hospital, hospitals have that smell – I hate it

I needed to see her

I felt inanimate and stupid and alone

I wished so much that they would just take me to her and I would just stop with this

But they didn't, and I didn't stop

I was reliving the same nightmare every five minutes – the whole accident would flash back to me as if it was happening at that moment

And with every memory I became more hysterical

All I could see were masked strangers who told me that they would make it okay if I could just count back from 10

By make it okay, I thought they meant 'take me to her' – which they didn't

But their advice did work, the pain had stopped and I was unconscious while their hands sifted through my broken body


	6. Chapter 6

**Such amazing feedback - wow. I am really thankful for everyone who has taken the time to read this**

_**Authors Note: Tony is now out of his operation, he isn't really "aware" of the severity of what has happened. He has tunnel vision at the moment to see Ziva, so he hasn't really considered the accident, his injuries or anything else, which is why he isn't panicking as much in this chapter - ignorance is bliss :)**_

_**Enjoy, and of course, please keep the reviews coming**_

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I woke up in a hospital room; I had gathered this was the case by the tubes protruding from my body and the constant _beep _next to my bed. I turned my head and saw a figure with silver hair and for the first time he looked distressed  
"You're up" he said, I remember he was breathing out heavily, almost as if he was a little relieved and a little surprised  
I looked at him; I didn't know what to say  
"You're okay DiNozzo, we got you, we got Ziva – you're okay" he said, it sounded familiar.  
I continued lying there – I didn't know what to say. I figured I would wait until I was alone and try and make my way to Ziva's room, I had hoped by that point in time I wouldn't feel so heavy or tired – this didn't happened, I felt progressively worse which of course didn't stop me.

I wasn't sure what time it was, but he had left the room and I pulled myself out of bed and began to detach myself, tube by tube – I kept my IV in and used the stand as a kind of walker to roll around with me, this must have been some sight for onlookers.

I went in search of her, I think I went into 5 or 6 different rooms before I apparently (I say apparently, because I have no recollection of this) went to the front desk and claimed to be Ziva's visiting husband before collapsing onto the floor. Shockingly enough they didn't believe me – I'm not sure why, it certainly couldn't have been the hospital gown or IV that gave it away, or the fact that I had asked the very nurse who was looking after me, but she had seen right through my master plan and was now forced to deal with my unconscious body. Miraculously she must have some how managed to get my bare behind back to my room, because I woke up in my bed, all attached and beeping steadily. The nurse must have entertained the idea because in the doctors notes there is a dot point stating:  
"Patient believes he is married to Ziva David (Room D3-507)"  
The only fact I took from this was her room number, I was in C2-001 – so I wasn't even on the same floor.

The next thing I remember was performing my usual routine of pulling off my attachments and wheeling my special walker with me to try and locate the whereabouts of my imaginary wife. I knew we weren't married, I knew that we were coworkers but it was somehow easier if the hospital staff thought I was a little off, I would use losing my mind as an excuse for the next few times I was caught. I was completely unaware of the extent of my injuries so their concerns and warnings meant nothing to me.

I had taken the fire stairs, it was only one level but I remember having to take a break, I sat down and used my robe to wipe the sweat from my head. Dark red liquid dropped to the floor which distracted me and confused me, I stupidly ignored it and leant back against the wall. I think I may have fallen asleep because I was awoken by the slamming of a door, I momentarily froze and then dragged myself and my IV up the stairs with me.

I opened the door from the fire stairs (which by the way is made of cement) and was finally on her floor, it must have been late because it was like a ghost town. I walked toward her room and quickly reevaluated the situation, I looked back to see how far away the stairs were and saw the strange crimson droplets following me. I used them as a guide like a drawing on a map rather than a warning, which admittedly now was a pretty dumb thing to do.


	7. Chapter 7

**Thank you all so, so much for your amazing reviews. It honestly makes me smile and I look so forward to writing another chapter because of them.**

**This is a great distraction from the essay I'm supposed to be writing :)**

**Please let me know what you think.**

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I grabbed onto the walls as I dragged myself to her room, it sounds terribly cliché and self-inflicted, but at the time I honestly had no idea what I was doing to myself. Though I have a sneaky feeling that even if I were aware of the damage I was doing, I would have done it anyway.

Anyway, I finally arrived at her room, it was probably 20-30metres from the stairs, and it had taken me a good 15minutes to get there but I had arrived nonetheless.

At first I couldn't see her there was nothing but blankets and a web of tubes, so I hobbled in further and for the first time I was exposed to a reality that I was not yet prepared for. She nearly looked peaceful if it weren't for the tube stuck down her throat and the shades of purple carelessly painted across her face.

I found an empty chair and eased into it, I had forgotten that I was in a hospital robe and had nothing else but my trusty IV stand, I thought having finally found her I would have at least felt happy, or at the very least relieved. I no longer had a distraction; my whole focus was finding her and here I was and now what? I didn't prepare myself to feel so empty or numb, this wasn't how it was supposed to be, which sounds so stupid because an SUV impaling your car isn't really how it's supposed to be anyway.

I guess this was the first moment that I kind of realised that something terrible had happened, and yes terrible things happen everyday – but this was the first time I had bare witness to every heart wrenching moment. As an agent, you see the aftermath, you deal with how distraught people are but you are there to do a job, you get the bad guy and you close the book. This was different, I saw the before and now this is the middle – this was the needles in my arm and the tube in her throat. This isn't something you can just walk away from or tell yourself "we'll get him" words are easy, you know? They don't fix the relentless feeling of your insides being ripped out and waved in front of your face. It really fucking hurts, and that's a hard fact to accept.

Do you remember how I couldn't find Ziva at the crash sight, and the medic said she was on top of me? Despite the fact that I was so sure she wasn't, it turns out they were right.. I don't like to talk about it, I don't like to remember it, but it's always there… And I guess we're a little past this whole "I don't wanna talk about it" huh?

So yes, she was on top of me, in every sense of that word.. I guess the car impacted so hard it had pushed, no, hurled her body onto mine.., The impact caused my head to smash against the window causing it to shatter the glass around my skull, the blood loss is what caused me to feel cold and wet. It hadn't been raining afterall.

From what I read from the report I was slumped over the steering wheel with Ziva kind of on my arm and lap.. The car hadn't flipped; I was just pushed up against the window frame with a bleeding body in my lap, which I still cannot quite comprehend.


	8. Chapter 8

**Again, huge thank you for those reviews! They make my day :) ****If you have suggestions etc please let me know. Keep the reviews coming, I love them all so much.**

**I know there have been some frustrated reviews, because my chapters are short/the story is dragging. ****I am trying to make longer chapters, I just don't have a lot of time in my day and I like to update as soon as I can. Also I am sorry if this isn't exciting or action packed - but it is just the inner workings of Tony's mind and what is happening around him. So a lot of it is him being confused/adjusting to circumstances. **

**I tried to make this chapter longer and a little more eventful for you.. Please let me know what you think xo**

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I had placed my hand upon hers, it was cold – I breathed in deeply and asked her to fight and if she couldn't do that, to at least take me with her. The thought of living without her was excruciating and I just couldn't do it. How many people in your life have to die before you have nothing left? And then I thought of Ziva and how her whole family was now dead, and perhaps I wasn't enough for her to want to live? Maybe this was her limit and she simply didn't have any fight left? But I really needed her to live, because as selfish as this sounds, I wanted to live and I couldn't do that if she were to die.

I rested my head on the side of her bed, kissed her hand and reluctantly fell asleep. I had been woken up to a confused looking doctor and nurse who kept calling me "sir"

"Sir, this is not your room!" "Sir, that isn't your bed!" "Sir! you have your own room!" I remember them saying over and over again as if they genuinely believed that I had no idea. Whoa, really? That wasn't my room? You mean I get a bed to myself? And my very own pillow? They really should be more specific when you're checking in "INDIVIDUAL BED AND PILLOW PROVIDED".

I lifted my gaze to the middle aged, unimpressed nurse who had her hands on her hips: "Sir, you need to leave! Where is your room?!" I lifted my weary self out of the chair and completely ignored what she was saying. I walked to the hall and tried to locate my little droplets so I could find the stairs.

"Sir, stop! Please!" I turned around and saw a panicked look on her face

"Doctor!" she cried

I looked at her confused: "DiNozzo!" I replied, "My name is Tony DiNozzo" – funnily enough she wasn't talking to me

The doctor walked over "yes?" the nurse pointed to the blood on Ziva's sheets and floor and then to me.

I recognized the crimson drops and registered just in time that I was in trouble

"I was meant to clean that up" I said trying to sound charming, despite the fact that I was standing there with my backside exposed to the world, looking like an inpatient from the psych ward.

The doctor asked me to sit down and shone her torch in my eyes asking me to look in all different directions. Within moments they had me on my own stretcher wheeling me to the elevator, I could hear them huffing and puffing

"You'll understand when you're older," I mindlessly said to anyone who would have listened

"Sir, please try and stay quiet" the doctor responded

Before I knew it I was back in my shitty room, it was cold in there and it smelt like hospital and I hated it

I remember trying to plead my case:

"I need to be upstairs with the pretty brunette.. I don't need a bed, that chair I was sitting on was just fine" I told her. I started to feel lightheaded at this point.

"Sir, this is your room.. Ms David will be okay… If you keep moving around like this you will bleed out and die" she said sternly. I remember thinking it was a little harsh, not the part about me dying – the fact that she said that this was my room – it didn't feel like my room, it felt like a prison.

After that, the doctor kept asking if I was okay, and kept telling me to keep my eyes open. I remember saying:

"Here's to lookin at you, kid" before vomiting all over myself.

She kept repeating herself, kept telling me to stay awake but I was defeated before giving in and letting my eyelids fall.

When I woke up Ziva was there, sitting upright, bruised but alive…wearing a doctor's lab coat.

"Well hello" she said her brown eyes looking right through me

I had felt so humiliated remembering that I had just vomited all over myself, but I looked down and my sheets were clean.

I then stumbled along a few sounds before settling with the two most stupid words I have ever uttered to someone "You're breathing?" I cringed. I still can't believe I said that.

"Yes, I am now breathing on my own"

I was confused and nervous and embarrassed, I felt like I was in junior high

"I woke up four days ago," she whispered knowingly

"But, I was only just up there?" I responded to her

She looked at me confused and placed her hand on mine

"I am glad you are awake. They would not tell me anything"

We looked at each other in silence, it was dark and she looked like she was in agony. I wanted to ask how much pain she was in, even though I knew it was a lot.

"I am sorry Tony, I have to go…they will start to look for me again"

"Again?" I repeated back to her. She was visibly upset.

"You don't remember do you?" she said slowly standing up. I had called after her, but before I could say anything she was gone.

She wasn't kidding anyone in that lab coat.


	9. Chapter 9

**Sorry for the amount of time it has taken me to update! All of your wonderful reviews make me want to start writing again.**

**As it has been some time, my headspace has changed a little so the story is taking a different turn.**

**I really hope you enjoy this, please review and let me know what you think :) xx**

_**3 Months after the Accident**_

It was the first time since the accident that I had been alone in the office, I checked the parameters and quickly made my way down to the evidence locker. I could only remember bits and pieces of the accident, and for what I couldn't remember was painted all over the faces of my colleagues. I wish I could have told them that their energy was wasted in trying to portray pity and understanding in one look. Whilst the accident was bad, this isn't the first time someone in this line of work has been injured, so I wasn't sure what all the fuss was about. Nevertheless women fawned over me and I got first choice of which case to take on, so it did have its perks – I am an optimist after all.

The elevator dinged and came to a halt and I made my way toward the evidence locker, I went up and down aisles of evidence until I eventually found my file. There were 3 boxes, the contents of each of them varied – one was filled with documents, transcripts I guess, the other two were USB's, CD's, a firearm, and photographs.

I quickly rummaged through the photographs, most of them were as I had expected: tire markings, blood spatters and shattered glass. I dumped them back in the box and threw it back to its respective shelf and pulled down the other box with the USB's, CD's and witness statements. I made the decision to take it home with me, it was late and figured I could return it early in the morning and no one would ever know. I needed to see, to hear, to witness what had happened, my memory had failed me and this was my next best and only option.

Once I arrived home I opened the first case of USB's and plugged it in to my laptop, I opened the files and went through it chronologically. Of course there was just digital images of street names and the intersection where the accident had taken place. I scrolled through and came to the next section labeled

"**Police Recordings**"

I was breathing heavily and I'm pretty sure my heart had signed distress, regardless, I double clicked and it opened a new set of files all of which were labeled with what appeared to be police identification numbers, they didn't look familiar. I hovered my mouse over a file and froze, my stomach began to sink and I let out a deep breath, before even considering what I was doing I opened the file and it played automatically.

"_Officer Hanson, 9340989, 2130, partner is Officer Fitzgerald 2797383. On Corner of Virginia Ave SE and Third St SE, 2 car motor vehicle accident, first on scene."_

I began to fast forward and stopped intermittently hoping I could gather some information. It was incoherent and sad but most of all disturbing. There was so much sobbing and yelling and it was all from me. I would fast forward each of the tapes and stop randomly, there was this one part where you can hear Ziva and she's saying she's okay and I'm screaming at the police to find her. I keep saying please, all you can hear is me sobbing and saying "please", it was such desperation that I felt embarrassed, I ended up stopping the recording and ejected the USB.

"You should not have those…"

The sound of her voice vibrated through my very being, and had caused me to hold the table for support.

"I hope you do not mind that I am here?"

"Why _are _you here?"

"Because you asked me to be here. Why did you insist on stealing that box of evidence when I specifically told you not to?"

"You did?" I walked toward her and touched her arm and her hair and her face before she touched my hand and forced it back down to my side.

"You cannot do this to yourself again"

She walked toward the kitchen and poured a glass of wine and walked back to the couch as if it were the most normal thing in the world.

"You are hurt.. But you cannot blame yourself…" she said while sitting down

"I don't remember, Zi" I ran my hands through my unwashed hair, and realised I was still in my work clothes, tie and all.

"Are we back to not remembering? Because that was a fun phase" she lay back on the couch and loosened her hair from its secured ponytail.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

" What is the last thing you remember?"

"I remember the hospital, you came in wearing a Doctor's gown and then left, the next thing I know I'm being discharged…And then, yeah, I guess I'm back at work"

She was looking at me like I had just told her I was going to gouge out my eyes with chopsticks

"Tony… Wake up"

I looked around the room and then back at her, I could feel chest collapse and fall into my stomach. I walked toward the couch and watched her stand and move toward me, she cupped her hands around my face and leaned toward me and whispered, "I cannot stay here".

I was frozen, my eyes were on fire, and I looked at her and pressed my forehead against hers. Her brown eyes flickered in the dimly lit room. I swallowed the razorblade that had formed in my throat and forced out words that had a thousand different meanings:

"Where have you been?"

_Where have you been for the passed month, or the last 8 years, or my whole life? Where were you when I needed you? Where are you in my body? You're body is in mine but where? _

She looked at me curiously and pulled herself away

"You are here, with me, in your living room, together. Is that not enough?"

It wasn't.

I needed answers.

"Tony, you were in a bad accident, and then you insisted on defying every bit of medical advice and continued to crawl up flights stairs to see me…"

"Yeah, I remember that"

"Do you remember collapsing down the stairs?"

"Well…no"

"They ended up handcuffing you to your bed…"

"Kinky"

"Wake up, Tony. I have to go"

I wanted her to stay so badly that every part of my very being began to ache and I swallowed every bit of pride I had and asked her to stay.

"Tony…"

"One night… That's all.. You should stay, please"

"Okay… I will stay"

"But we have to go in early tomorrow, yanno drop off that stuff?"

She nodded her head.

"And maybe you can help me remember, since you can remember everything?"

She looked at me with sad eyes and nodded "but this is the last time" she said trying to force out an audible sentence.

"You want pizza? Chinese?" I flashed her a range of take out menus, which she refused. I sat down next to her and asked her what happened after she left me in that doctor's coat.

She had placed her cold hands on top of mine and it strangely made me feel warm.

"Okay, are you sure you want to remember?"

"Of course"

"You had been unconscious for days, I would come and visit you and finally you were awake. After I left you stupidly came up to see me again…"

"Okay…" I watched her lips move with every word she spoke, the way she would pause and sip her wine, the way she tucked her curly locks behind her ears. She was beautiful. She _is _beautiful.

She told me I would sit next to her hospital bed in silence and hold her hand and tell her the stories from my ward.

"You would visit me a lot, and I would sneak down and do the same, it's hard to say how long this went on for… You would make me laugh, but you were not in a good way, Tony. Every time you would come to see me I would tell you not to and that I would come to you, but you would smile and pretend you did not know what I was talking about, and come back a few hours later…. When I would come to you always insisted I lay down on the bed and you would sit on the chair. We came to a compromise, and we would both lie down together and we would often fall asleep, and get caught, and get into trouble. " She smiled and looked up at me.

"I'm sad I can't remember that" I looked at her with a crooked smile and tears in my eyes.

"Me too" she touched my face and looked back down to her now empty glass of wine.

"But one morning, you just stopped coming, so I… I went down the stairs to see you.. I was going down the fire stairs and I heard like a…a groan… I think… I looked around but I could not see anything, so I proceeded to walk down the stairs, I had seen blood but I did not register, that it was, um… well, I got to your floor and noticed you were not in your bed. So I went back to the stairs and I saw more blood again, and it looked fresh.. So I followed it.. And um, a few stairs further down, on um one of the landings you were there, barely breathing, and just bleeding, there was so much blood, just, everywhere. I ran to the door and screamed for help and a nurse came in and I guess she paged someone because before I knew it there were just people everywhere and I was I guess pushed aside and told to leave. "

She paused and looked at me feigning a smile. I lifted my hands away from hers and rubbed my head "holy shit" I sighed and shook my head.

"I tried to come and see you again, and this is when I saw that they had handcuffed you, so I would try and see you daily, but you were not awake. A nurse came in one day and saw me she looked at me like um, like I was a child and she took me upstairs into my room and…." She paused again "She told me to stop seeing you, and that you collapsed on your way to see me… That you had fallen, a lot and that I should learn from your um mistakes… And I just ignored her…I was so scared for you, Tony.. I could not focus on anything. Finding you like that, and your blood, I have seen a lot of stuff, I have seen a lot of tragedy, but this was, it was…I was scared for you…I am sorry, could I have another glass of wine?"

I looked at her confused and then registered what she had said and nodded.

It didn't make sense to me that so much had happened and I still could not remember, I wondered about what else could have happened, or if I told her how I felt, or if I kissed her. It was a strange feeling for someone to sit there and tell you that you nearly died and that you had these wonderful times together, and you just sit there racking your brain thinking "come on memory, why fail me now"


	10. Chapter 10

**You all are so fantastic with your reviews please keep them coming... **

**I don't own any of the NCIS characters etc etc etc :) **

**Warning: Things get a little heated**

* * *

The feeling of asphyxiation had possessed my body and I had woken up suddenly gasping and coughing. I looked down to her and noticed she was asleep at the other end of the couch, her chest effortlessly rising and falling with each breath. I got up and placed a blanket over her, her feet were always cold regardless of the weather. I sat back down on the couch and she spoke words that didn't quite make sense:

"Do you remember me, Tony?"

"You awake?" I whispered

"You will forget… Again"

I patted her hair and exhaled

"I couldn't forget you even if I wanted to"

"But you have…" She opened her eyes and peeled herself up to a seated position

"You will realize, Tony… You will work this out.. And this will all make sense to you…"

"I gotta tell ya Ziva, you're not making a whole lotta sense.. How much wine did you have?"

She looked at me and smiled

"Too much, I suppose"

I stared at her longingly, hoping that I didn't give myself away, hoping that I still portrayed friend rather than hopelessly in love.

"Are you tired?" she asked rubbing the side of her head

"Not really anymore…you?"

"No…"

She placed her hand in mine and sat there and slowly let her eyelids fall until they were shut

"Do you ever think about, when we danced…in Berlin?" She asked and squeezed my hand gently.

"Every damn day…"

She turned her head so it was facing me and opened her eyes

"So do I… I never said thank you for that…"

I nodded and looked down at her hand, and wondered how many have been touched like this, how many had really felt the warmth of her heart in one simple touch.

"I might get some water" I looked back up at her

"Sure…"

I stood up and made my way to the kitchen and could feel her behind me, I turned around and saw her leaning against the counter, I reached for two glasses and filled them with the jug from the fridge.

"Here" I handed her the glass which she sipped and then placed next to her.

I realised I was standing way too close; I could feel her breath against my skin but I couldn't move away, I was transfixed on her curious eyes, looking at her perfect mouth all of which excited and scared me at the same time. I filled my lungs with every part of her and exhaled every piece of me, I wanted to tell her that I was so god damn in love with her but I just stood there, incapable. I leant forward and placed my hand on the bench outside of where she was standing and she gently touched my fingers with hers, I moved in closer and put my other hand outside of her and we froze. I swallowed the lump in my throat and pulled her close to me and kissed her, hard. Our lips crashed together, she lifted her hands and rubbed them through my hair until reaching my back which she clawed into, I put my arms around her and lifted her onto the counter, her legs wrapped around my waist, and I kissed her, harder. Her lips moved to my neck and she reached back around and undid my tie, then my shirt. I lifted her off the counter, her legs still around my waist; I could feel myself growing against her. As I carried her toward the bedroom I pushed her against walls, her lips assaulting my neck, biting my shoulder and thrusting against me. Our breath was quick and hot. I felt myself losing control; we continued to crash into walls until we finally made it to my bedroom.

I threw her onto the bed and kneeled over her, she pulled off my shirt and pulled me onto the bed and rolled on top of me, she took off her shirt and bra and pressed her bare torso against mine. She reached down to my pants and undid my belt and my pants were ripped off. I unzipped hers and pulled them off, pulling her closer to me, our panting, sweaty bodies pressed against each other, I couldn't get enough. Eventually I entered her and she buried her face into my neck sucking, and biting and moaning my name. I couldn't stand it; I rolled over so I was on top of her thrusting myself deeper into her. Her nails scratched all the way down my back and she clawed into me further, panting. Sweat was dripping off me, causing our bodies to slide against one another with ease. It was pure ecstasy. Her whole body tensed and I released myself into her as I groaned, I could feel her climax, I was moaning her name in between my shortened breath and she collapsed onto my chest. I could feel our hearts pounding against each other, fast. We stayed there for a while until she rolled off and interlaced her fingers with mine.

The whole room was still and we remained silent, I breathed slowly and she turned her head, looking directly at me

"What is that face, Tony?" she squinted her eyes

I didn't reply and she rolled back over onto her back

"I'm in love with you" I said it slowly and yet had not control of my words.

She remained on her back and spoke to calmly "I know… but you should not"

I looked at her confused

"Tony, I love you…"

I was waiting for the "but" yet I couldn't ignore the wave of relief that washed over me, cleansing me of all paranoia, apprehension and a plethora of other emotions.

"You know this…" she looked at me "You have heard this before…"

"Heard what?"

"At the hospital... I told you…"

I looked at her in disbelief, screaming at my brain hoping to break every bit of amnesia I seemed to have. I thought that this would be the one thing I remembered.

"How?" I asked her

She was still lying on her back looked at the ceiling.

She spoke slowly "I went down to see you… I was not there for long… You were still asleep… and then nothing…"

"Nothing?"

"Well…you….you….died, Tony…" Her voice shook and she closed her eyes momentarily "Right in front of me… out of nowhere… You looked fine and then… I have never…" she paused and inhaled deeply regaining her composure.

"I screamed… Gibbs was um at the door… and then the Doctor's came… and I was still screaming… I could not stop… Gibbs grabbed me… like he um… He put his arms around me from behind… And I kept kicking… So he lifted me up and dragged me out of the room… I fought like hell to stay in there.. But they shut the door in my face… They were telling Gibbs to get me out… to um control me… but he just… said nothing… occasionally… he said my name…But I could not stop."

"Eventually they stabilized you…I think…. You had one of those things in your mouth….I think it helps you breathe…It was taped there… And I came in and I crawled into your bed…And I just…I told you I loved you and you could not leave me… and I um, I just stayed there…for the longest time… and I kept saying it… and eventually you came back to me… And that was that I suppose"

I squeezed her hand in mine, signaling that I was okay now, that I was alive… Signaling that I was sorry that I wasn't strong enough to live for her… That I had caused her so much pain, that she had to momentarily live through another loss in her life. I needed to be better and stronger, I didn't deserve her, and she didn't deserve this pain

"Hey, I'm here now" I said

She remained still, staring at the ceiling

"Yes, but am I?"


End file.
